Beating The Black Dog…

So for the past couple of months I dropped off the radar, which so early on in my blogging project, was disappointing! But my mental health had to come first and it took a nose dive considerably about March.

When I started to feel crappy in about October, I put it down to my usual Seasonal Affective Disorder, which to be fair, may have impacted it. It was a dark, long winter, missing the cold, sunny days I love so much. Oct – December is my favourite time of year, so that kept my head above water. Then I kept telling myself I needed to get through the months till March, then I would be ok when the lighter days came in. March came. I still didn’t feel right. My eating got out of hand as my mental health declined, which then put me in to a perpetual vicious circle, my binge-eating got worse because I felt so crap. I felt so crap because my eating was bad. Rinse and repeat. I then told myself it was a long winter, I just needed to get some vitamin D and I would be ok. But I didn’t, despite championing others to talk about their mental health, I tried to keep a lid of it until it exploded in June. I literally spent a few days in tears and even though I think deep down I know I wouldn’t, I started to feel like I just wanted to throw myself of a bridge.

I went to see my GP and was quickly became part of the prozac nation again. Fluoxetine is also used to treat eating disorders and OCD, so it’s the best fit for me. My GP thinks its most likely Post-Natal, but my other mental health issues probably contributed to it. I have also been re-referred to the eating disorders service – as with most areas of the NHS there is a waiting list so I am not being seen until the end of the month.

It’s been a good 7 weeks since I have been on the medication and I am starting to feel a bit more like me again. My memory and ability to concentrate is returning, I am definitely less weepy and my stress levels have dropped a bit. I have started to follow lots of body positivity account and although I don’t feel comfortable with how I look and what I weigh, I am starting to be kinder to myself. My body grew, delivered and then nourished two babies. That’s amazing thing. No matter what it looks like, it deserves to be celebrated for that fact alone. If you follow me on Instagram you will know that I have been in France on holiday with my family and I have been wearing clothes for comfort, not because I am afraid or worried what other people will think. What Hayley from Sparkles & Stretchmarks said on her Instagram a few weeks ago really stuck with me “You do not exist to please other people with your physical appearance” and it’s so true. Should I hide away and not enjoying splashing with my kids on the beach, hidden under layers of clothing? Nope. My upper arms have a tan for the first time since I think I worked in Ibiza (oh how I wish I was at fat now as I thought I was then!)

I am still a work in progress. I will always probably struggle with eating and the issues surrounding that. But it’s ok. I want to be healthier, not thin. I want to be able to stick around as long as possible to see my beautiful boys become men. Health can come at any size. I will be working to reach that goal, not the goal that trying to live to some societal ideals will make me happier, because it won’t. My family and friends, going on adventures, living my best life will do that.

So yes. Here I am. Back and ready to rock once again!

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